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The sky before the storm maybe It’s my soul

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I love the sky before the storm. Once so blue and alive, seemingly unbreakable, now collapsed with the sound of great silence. Silence before the thunder. Once full of color now faded, weak, clear. You can see every crack, every wound all those scars. You can see how fragile it really is, how colors get washed away easily. All it takes is one grey cloud. Yet, the clearance of it, all the visible cracks make it look so beautiful, mesmerizing. Beauty in pain.  Maybe it’s the same with me. Maybe the sky before the storm is my heart. Maybe that’s why I have been alone for my entire life. People can see. They admire from the far but when it rains they hide. Maybe it’s the same with clear souls like mine. They find peace in watching our storm form. When it comes, they are gone.

Am I alone or do you clear the sky with me? Do we all form a canvas of admiration or are we here just to wash away the dirt? Maybe behind our greyness hides the sun and that’s what they are waiting? Or maybe the sun is millenniums behind.

Lacking positivity 

But always, lots of love, Ellodie 

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Green eyed magician (my recurring dream in a poem)

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December nights have never tasted so warm

In my heart, the sights that my blinded eyes behold

Came here with a thought I am meeting a stranger

Turns out the night held much greater danger

 

With a hug his warm body met mine

The magic he held, he stopped the time

Soon enough I noticed the depth in his eyes

He took me to the forest, I was hypnotized

 

But there was a guardian watching over this sleepy town

He danced with kings from them he got his crown

For they past and travelled where they  have never been

He was their friend, he watched them sin

 

But their souls all gathered at one place

To shine upon us, to admire his grace

 As stars, the old kings muttered:

“One shall join us this evening.”

One star slowly shattered

 

Soon enough she fell on my frozen white hand

As she was singing the song of her far away land

I listened as the wind loudly wept

With every word I fastened my step

 

I wanted to say goodbye to my green eyed magician

But thoughts got me high, the star gave me her mission

She sneaked and crawled gently into my skin

I swallowed her burden as I lifted my chin

 

I was to replace her lonely broken light

For she lost it when she saw our hearts unite

 

I don’t recall of what happened then

I guess the magician used his pen

 

For I was awakened by the burning white light

But it wasn’t the moon that was blinding my sight

I heard the sirens and I heard the cries

I wondered if the star was just whispering lies

 

The moon was nowhere to be seen that day

I guess he was mad for the Magician got his way

 

Thank you for reading and I hope you liked this poem of mine. It kind of goes with yesterdays post. I hope you like this artsy week on my blog. Feel free to like, comment and share.

Spread your creativity

Lots of love, Ellodie 

 

The Swallow

the_inn_by_edli-d4bt320.jpgThis post is inspired by my boyfriend’s idea for a book. I love every bit of his idea but he only wrote a few pages.  Since I love to write I thought I should post some creative writing for you today. Trying to force him to start writing I wrote this.

Meet the Swallow

It was a cold September night.  I would even dare to say colder than it usually is this time of passing moon. The air was fresh; the wind brushed through my feathers making the grass, leaves and stained dirt drift away with the sound of comforting, quiet, wind humming. I stumbled a bit, still adapting to my chosen shape, my other body. Still, after all this time changing skin to feather and feather to skin, I never got used to any shape of myself. I was a stranger in each of my forms. Just like I was a stranger in every village or city I inhibited for a while. But the forest…ah yes, the forest was my sanctuary. The smell of freshly washed leaves in the earliest start of spring, or the sight of the sun kissing every plant, every peak, every flower It shunning rays could touch, I was no stranger in there.

All this daydreaming about the warm sun made my tiny body shudder. The fog started taking over the entire meadow, slowly but carefully devouring it whole. I was sitting on a firm branch, hidden away by mighty treetops. I think it was the treetops of my old friend ash tree that was keeping me safe during this New Moon evening. I wanted to ask him but, no, not tonight, all must remain quiet, for the once green, mumbling forest has taken a dark turn in its path. The bushes are trembling for there are spies crawling everywhere. Hidden in the shadows of a naive moonlight, glancing from every corner, listening, watching you as you cross paths with them.

I heard a loud crack behind me, slowly but briefly turning my beak to the same direction. A young man carrying a large bag over his shoulders. My eye never spotted such a calm heart in these late hours, heartbeat not louder than the grass moved by the wind. He was looking straight in front of him, concentrating on the way home I assumed…or maybe, he was daydreaming of a warm sun just like me. The shadows started gleaning behind him. To any human eye it would look like plain darkness, but there are many depths of darkness. There is nature’s darkness, it is rather deep blue and then there is corrupted darkness, the kind of black that eats your soul through your human, foolish, curious eyes.

My untamed mind started to pounder should I save this fine, young man from the destiny that is surely coming his way. But what is he to me really, no one but a lonely passenger and a foolish one to say the least. Walking through the woods, unarmed, and not paying any attention to all possible dangers out there. I am not that stupid to harm my destiny for someone as oblivious as this man. But then, in the moonlight I spotted something familiar, something that warmed my heart. A ring, shinning in the moonlight. It had a symbol the same symbol that the old tavern had on its roof. The same symbol that saved me this summer.

It was Emanuel. My Emanuel. His hair got scruffier, his walk more hunched. My, oh my, how did I not recognized my savior, how didn’t I felt the warmth of his heart…how can I not feel it even now. My ongoing thoughts were corrupted by the fog gathering, climbing around us. Except it wasn’t a fog, it was a wave of darkness. I opened up my wings but they were glued. Glued with a thick, sticky, blue wax clinched to them. I chirped from despair.

 

If you want me to encourage him some more feel free to like and comment and I will continue to write this.

(since all of the previous pictures in my posts were all mine credits for these ones go to DevianArt)

Side note: He didn’t come up with the entire big idea for the book nor the little details but I love the idea he presented to me in a nutshell.

His Word Press:  https://hgc.art.blog/ show him some love please, much appreciated

I hope you liked this book to be

Lots of love, Ellodie 

10 to Zen

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I wish to share some steps that helped greatly with my anxiety, panic attacks, depression but ego aswell.

Simplicity

I want to start of by saying the simplicity is the key to everything. We get so focused on what we want, what we need, that we often forget where those “needs” and “wants” truly come from. We forget to look deep down and see ourselves in our truest colors.

Young mind and soul

When you were little you surely asked yourself a billion of times: “Who am I?” Do you remember the answer? If you do congrats, you never have to wonder around the garden of existential crisis ever again. Yes, I realise arguments to this you have right now but look at it in a simple way.  

When you are young your soul, your mind is a bricked up house. It is a house in the making, lacking doors to stop people from getting in. Lacking windows to get you permission to peak in other people’s lives, lacking all the nice little essentials and décor. But it has a shape a shape you were born with, that shape doesn’t change. It is simple as that.

Young mind is simple, young mind can see the true purpose in its life. And that is Zen. Simple enough to make it too complicated for us grown ups to grasp. A simple mind leads to a clean, pure soul. Meditation and Buddhism thought me that.

Teachings of Zen

At the heart of the Japanese culture lies Zen. Teachings of Mahayana Buddhism. Zen a practice that was uninterruptedly transmitted from master to disciple, and that goes back to the Awakening of a man named Siddhārtha Gautam – The Buddha – 2500 years ago in India. Zen Buddhism is not interested in rituals and metaphysical theories. It focuses entirely on the mindful practice of Zazen.

Zen is a noun. Zen is an adjective.

You can read all the books in the world but if you don’t practice Zen through meditation and breathing exercises, you will know nothing. Explaining Zen is like trying to explain taste of chocolate to somebody that had never ate it. You can compare the taste to something else but the bottom line is: chocolate is chocolate.

So here are some steps that will help your ego wash away the burden that keeps you away from your Awakening.

Steps

  1. Let go of compering.
  2. Let go of competing.
  3. Let go of judgments.
  4. Let go of anger.
  5. Let go of regrets.
  6. Let go of worrying.
  7. Let go of blame.
  8. Let go of guilt.
  9. Let go of fear.
  10. Have a proper laugh attack at least once a day.

Remember: Your body is not a temple.

Temples can be destroyed and desecrated. Your body is a forest. Thick canopies of maple trees and sweet scented wild flowers sprouting in the underwood. You will grow back, over and over again, no matter how badly you have been devastated.

Feel free to like and comment. Since sharing is caring share it with your friends.

Never forget to be free,

Lots of love, Ellodie

What I feel when I draw?

Started with a brush and a pen…ended with a lot of them

Ever since I could hold a pen in my hand my other hand was holding a paintbrush aswell.  I think that ever since my eyes saw the blank paper and my hand created a life in the nothingness of it, I fell in love. The person who handed me this gift (metaphorically and not) was my grandfather.  I believe he was pointing pens and brushes in my direction before I could even sit on my own.  I thank him for that, because of that a strong bond grew larger with each sit on the lap and line on the paper.

I even have a picture he framed that I painted when I was two years old. He made the frame and he painted two fishes in the back of the picture (my zodiac sign is a Pisces). I will insert a picture of it in this post. He handed me that picture I painted when I was in my early teenage years I believe. Frankly I don’t remember when it was but I remember something far more important. I remember his words. Now just to point this out so that you can understand why this is a big thing for me. He was never a man of many words, he wasn’t very affectionate and he never complimented any of my works or anything in general. He was always pointing my flaws and  sometimes telling me how to correct them but mostly letting me figure it out on my own, even If that meant an ongoing wave of mistakes. He just knew I would get it right eventually and that by myself I will learn in the most effective way.  So I did.

photo_2017-04-06_16-02-48 ( The picture, I drew this when I was two years old.)

 

When he handed me that picture he said: “From that moment on I knew you are going to be an excellent painter but also a messy one.” With the messy part I couldn’t agree more.  I like to think that blood flowing through my veins is just a red paint. I imagine it flowing like it flows on the chosen canvas. I splat water on it then just put a tiny dot of paint in the splat of water and it just flows, effortlessly. I like to believe I was born to decorate this canvas, this paper, this word. Sign my name on it with pencils, brushes and words. I feel alive when I make my thoughts alive.

So what do I feel when I draw?

I feel waves of the ocean flowing in my entire body through my fingers onto the blank paper. I feel the summers breeze tickling my heart with each breath I take. I hear the sound of nature buzzing softly in my ears with each line on the canvas. The smell of juicy nectars in autumn fill my nostrils with every warm color my eye meets.  I become one with what I create. I become my creation. The creation becomes my world…the world of mine is my creation.  I never sign my paintings because I see my reflection in them. There is no need, they are my mirror.

And who do I see holding that mirror?

My grandfather. That is my signature.

What you imagine can be

Lots of love, Ellodie

 

When a person becomes your home (originally posted on BayArt)

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Inspiration

Last night when I was texting my boyfriend I got inspired to write a post. His message lit up my phone screen and it said: „My home is so empty without you.“  I quickly without thinking about it one bit replied with „ I hate home without you.“  When I pressed sent was when that sentence really sank and settled in my mind. It got me thinking how a home has stopped being a place and Its a person now for me.

Home and a force called “Love”

I really love this idea of a word „home“. I noticed that he wakes up all those feelings I had when I came home from kindergarten or school when I was little. Nobody ever did that. I remember how when I passed the corner and was finally walking down the street to my house I would start to run, I felt like I grew a pair of magnificent wings. I would smile and run knowing I am flying into my safe sanctuary. A place where my entire being is accepted and I am allowed to be myself. When my eyes greet him my heart picks up the pace, I smile automatically, my legs start to walk faster just one step away from running. Just to hug him and kiss him the sooner I can. When I see him I am no longer in control of myself, I am being guided by a force. Force that I trust now with my entire being, a force called „Love“.

Trust the force

I had been through some dark times in the past. I had a house but I didn’t have a home. Ever since then I never got it back. I thought I forgot that feeling of rushing home, that feeling of relief when you see your house down the block. I thought I would never feel safe again. How could I give my heart to someone when my heart was all ripped up in pieces? Who would want that and even worse, who would wanna waste their time trying to fix it? Well, If you feel like that I am going to tell you something and please trust me, believe every word cause It is true.That heart ripped up in pieces, take it. Gather all the pieces together and hold them in your hands, hold them with your palms open and wait. A stranger will pass by, a stranger that will love each and every one of that piece. If you let them and please do, with time you will show him and give them each and every one of those pieces, even the tiniest one.That stranger will no longer be a stranger, they will become your home. Your heart will no longer be ripped up.  I imagine my heart now like a plant with powerful seeds. They can destroy my growth so far, they can rip me out and ran me over but with each punch my seed will fall on the ground and grow larger then ever.  With that someone by your side your heart will be nourished and will grow each day.

Prayers are always answered

I got back my home. I got it back in an even better form than I was praying to get it. I got it in a person. Trust your prayers, you will get what you need but in a way you didn’t even hoped you would. Send what you want to be given and please give people a chance, we are so connected, each and every one of us. Even if we are not close together we create the entire Cosmos, one by one. Our energy fields and auras interwind and together we make this Universe so alive. By posting this and sending you my positive energy and so much love. All those miles away from you yet I become a part of your day by you reading this. I hope I will become a part of your days and help you any way I can. We are all so connected so let’s spread love. Just remember that it all starts from you, what you send out in the Universe comes back like a boomerang, spread good vibes.

 

Let your heart be free,

Lots of love, Ellodie.

©2017EllodieAid. All Rights Reserved

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Aromatherapy and nutrition for anxiety and depression

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Part two:  Nutrition

I could dive deep into the tedious details about nutrition and how it effects our body and mental health. Honestly while I was in class I would just sit there and read through the slides with my eyes half closed. In the meantime our teacher was having the same amount of fun, reading those slides with the most monotonous voice I had ever heard. I don’t want my post to be the product of that.

Nutrition is a very interesting and important topic and I will do my best at presenting it to you in that light. Let’s first be aware of the fact that our brain is always working. It is responsible for all of your thoughts, reactions and movements. It is the reason you are breathing while reading this post. You reading this post are another one of the brains credit. You can even thank your brain for those lovely dreams you had because the brain works hard even while you’re asleep.

Like a car

Now imagine that hard working brain of yours as a beautiful car. Like every car it means your brain requires a constant supply of fuel. For us humans that fuel comes from the foods you eat. What’s in that fuel is what makes the difference. That fuel is what is responsible for your cars function. What you eat directly affects the function of your brain therefor your mood aswell.

Like a shiny expensive car, your brain functions best when it gets only high- quality fuel.  Eating high-quality foods that contain lots of antioxidants, vitamins and minerals are what get our brain in its best condition. Therefore it protects the brain from oxidative stress. Oxidative stress is a mischievous group of free radicals that are produced when the body uses oxygen. Our body doesn’t need them. In fact, they can be extremely harmful for us.

Your brain can be damaged if you take bad, fatty foods just like a car when you put anything other than premium fuel in it.

Most important hormone for mental health

Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that is extremely important for our mental state. It helps regulate mood, appetite and sleep.  About 95% of your serotonin is produced in your gastrointestinal tract and your gastrointestinal tract is filled with a hundred million nerve cells, or neurons. Therefor it makes sense that the inner workings of your digestive system are not here just to digest food but also to guide and regulate your emotions.

Listen to your body

Start paying attention to how you feel depending on the food you ate that day. Change up your diet and write down how you felt during that period of time. Try eating raw and clean foods like fruits, steamed and cooked vegetables. You also might want to try going dairy-free. In fact, the milk we drink as infants is the amount of milk we need for the rest of our life. Then again a lot of people said that they feel better when their diets are grain-free. It is all individual, see how you feel. Then slowly introduce foods back into your diet, write down your feelings again.

Mood boosters:

 Tryptophan-Rich Foods

Tryptophan can have a positive effect on stress. This amino acid helps your brain produce feel-good chemicals. Tryptophan is a precursor to serotonin, and serotonin, as a neurotransmitter, helps you feel calm.

Where to find it: sesame seeds, milk, turkey, chicken, bananas, milk, oats, and cheese, soy, nuts, peanut butter, and sesame seeds.

 

Vitamin B

Deficiency in B vitamins such as folic acid and B12 can cause depression.

Where to find it: leafy greens, legumes, oranges and other citrus fruits, rice, nuts, and eggs.

 

Whole Wheat

Carbohydrates increase production of serotonin in the brain. When you are craving carbs choose whole grains, such as whole wheat bread or brown rice, rather than processed food such as sugar, candy, or even white bread.

Grains take longer for the body to break down, and release sugar into the bloodstream slowly. Therefor it has a long-lasting effect. Processed carbs will give you an immediate energy boost but will be followed by an insulin rush, which rapidly drops blood sugar levels, leaving you feeling more tired and weary than before.

 

High-Protein Foods

Protein helps stimulate the production of the brain chemicals norepinephrine and dopamine. Dopamine like serotonin, are neurotransmitters and they carry impulses between nerve cells. Higher levels of norepinephrine and dopamine have been shown to improve mental energy.

Where to find it: Greek yogurt, cheese, fish, eggs, beans, soy, lentils and nuts.

Ideal potion for mood-boosting is to combine complex carbohydrates with protein, and to spread your meals throughout the day. Little bites and healthy snack get your metabolism constantly working which helps your body digests food quicker and gets all the goodies through your brain faster.

Food to Avoid:

Caffeinated Drinks

People like to drink coffee and other beverages that contain caffeine such as: tea, hot chocolate etc. to help boost their energy levels. But the problem is that caffeine has been shown to inhibit levels of serotonin in the brain. When serotonin levels are suppressed, you can become depressed and feel irritable. Caffeine also can keep you awake, leading to stress and anxiety. Remember that you need to sleep well to be in a positive mood.

Candy

Well let’s be honest we all need sweets, and they do make us feel better but again it’s a temporary lift.  Why? Sugar is absorbed quickly into the bloodstream. The absorption causes a high surge of energy. But that surge wears off as the body increases its insulin production to remove the sugar from your bloodstream. As a result: You then feel tired and low.

Alcohol

Now alcohol is a well-known buddy to depression.  Depressed people drink alcohol because it seems to ease stress and it makes them forget their worries. Unfortunately, the happy time is only temporary. In fact alcohol is a depressant. Like caffeine, alcohol is a diuretic, and it’s important to stay hydrated for a number of reasons, including mood. Therefor drink in moderation.

I hope you enjoyed todays post like always feel free to like, share and comment.

Question the food you see,

Lots of love Ellodie

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Aromatherapy and nutrition for anxiety and depression

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Since I graduated from a cosmetology high school I thought I share with you some things I learned there, including aromatherapy that will be our topic for today. I also had nutrition as one of my subject so this topic will be separated into two posts.

Part One: Aromatherapy

Aromatherapy is a holistic approach in a form of a therapy like the word says itself. It is a use of essential oils that to support physical and mental health. In the following I will try to explain it in a nutshell so that I don’t shove too many informations in a short period.

We have two main categories of oils: Carrier oils and Essential oils

Carrier oils – such as: olive oil, coconut oil, almond oil, grapeseed oil etc.

Carrier oils are naturally derived from vegetarian sources and have a very neutral smell. They aren’t harsh like essential oils, which gives them the privilege to serve us as a base in combination with essential oils.

Essential oils – such as: lavender oil, orange oil, rose oil, macadamia oil etc.

Essential oils are volatile, which means they evaporate rapidly and contain that natural smell and characteristics of the plant itself (can and probably will give you headache if inhaled for a long time in highly concentrated circumstances). This can make them too strong to apply directly and undiluted.

Carrier oils do not evaporate or have a strong aroma, making them the perfect pair especially in strong essential oils. How it works is they simply reduce the concentration of the essential oil without altering its therapeutic qualities. When you combine an essential oil with carrier oil you can also control its concentration before applying.

Now that I broke it down for you guys a bit, let’s get into the goodies we are all here for.

Best essential oils for anxiety and depression:

Lavender oil- has calming and relaxing effect, helps with inner peace, panic attacks, nervous stomach and nervous tension in general. Lavender scent improves the quality of your sleep. Little tip: Use Lavandula Agnustifolia – soothing lavender not Lavandula Latifolia- stimulating lavender commonly used for scent in candles.

Rose oil- it’s known for its ability to reduce emotional distress and it’s personally a Master Jedi for my relaxation. Fun fact: essential oils have energy vibrations. Rose has one of the highest frequencies of any essential oils, Many believe it opens your heart so that it consumes and spreads more love. Just like rose quarts but that’s a different topic.

Bergamot oil- used to reduce pain from headaches and muscle tension as well as stimulate hormonal and digestive juices. Releases emotional pain, reduces stress and works as a powerful antidepressant.

Application and use:

Now that we got our oils ready we need to know how to use them in the most beneficial way and to use them safely ofcourse.

As I mentioned previously putting essential oil straightly on to your skin can cause irritation due to its high concentration.  Therefore use one drop – one drop method and just add one drop of carrier oil one drop of essential (always the same amount).

Pressure points – they are all over our body. Most beneficial in aromatherapy for calming yourself down are the ones on and close to our head and face.  Simply dot a tiny drop of carrier and essential oil on your finger and rub it in slowly in a circular motion on the pressure point.

Here are some of the best pressure points:

Tw 15- located on both shoulders, between the base of the neck and outside of the shoulders.

B 10- located one finger width below the base of the skull, one half inch outside of the spine.

Gv 24.5- located exactly between the eyebrows also known as the “Third eye.”

Putting in oils in your bath

ONLY ADD A FEW DROPS (one drop-one drop method). One of my favorite methods it is a truly heavenly experience. Delivering you double benefit because you are inhaling it through your nose and absorbing it through your skin at the same time.

Inhalation- simply sniffing, opening the bottle, putting it into boiling water and breathing it in slowly. There are also diffusers that mix oils and water or you can just add a tiny drop in your candles.

TIP: Be on a look out for pure essential oils that have the botanical Latin name written on their bottles. Beware of those with “fragrance” or “perfume” written on their label! They are synthetic oils and they don’t have the same therapeutic benefits. They can be very harmful as well if put directly on skin.

I hope I inspired you to take some alone time and relax with our most powerful stress soldiers given to us by mother Earth.  If you like this post and want me to get more detailed with history of aromatherapy, oils, pressure points etc. feel free to comment and like this post and since sharing is caring feel free to share as well.

Be as happy as you can be.

Lots of love, Ellodie.

Steps to letting go ( originally written and posted on BayArt)

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Letting go

Without letting go of the past you will never be able to live in the present. I want to emphasize the importance of letting go of any grudges any regrets, losses, missed chances or broken hearts.

Forgiveness my experience

I never truly forgave my mother. I was and I still am in touch with her, we see each other. Much more than we used to. In the beginning months would past and she wouldn’t call. I now have a better relationship with her than ever. I believe that is because I finally peeled of the mask I glued onto myself as a result of protecting myself. My soul was still clinching on my dads once broken heart and on the past. I had poison of blame flowing through my veins. Poisoning my heart daily for 7 years and I never really admitted it to myself.  Admitting is a first step in every aspect of our lives. Being honest with yourself is the healthiest decision and the greatest favor you do in your lifetime. I am going to share some steps that I followed in my letting go process because that is a hard but rewarding process trust me.

Admitting it

I know it’s hard to admit firstly let alone allow yourself to release the thorns in your heart. Past can be a beautiful rose that we water and admire everyday even after it’s rotten. Past can be a bunch of thorns that we hold onto tightly because we think it is the only thing that can fill our scars. Specially than its hard to let it go because it is not a pleasant feeling to bleed but bleeding stops. We just need to let the wounds breathe.

Steps

  1. Cry it out – holding it in is just gathering all of the negative emotions in your body and mind. It will influence your health, both mental and physical. Negative emotions gather up and later lead to stress and depression.
  2. Collect your thoughts, see what experience thought you and what you gained from it – every bad experience in our life is a great lesson, we become a better and stronger person because of them.
  3. Meditate – Meditation is a big helper in every aspect of our life because we learn how to connect with ourselves in the deepest way possible. We unravel the truth; we learn how our mind really functions and how to treat it.
  4. Acknowledging your progress – It is always important to acknowledge your success, It keeps you motivated and it makes you push even harder.
  5. The only three options – you only truly have three options: moving yourself out of the situation, changing it or accepting it. If it is bothering you and affecting your life still than the first and the last option are obviously not working.
  6. Just talk – Talking is the key to moving on, share your thoughts and emotions with others, find people that been through the same or similar situations.
  7. Put on the other pair of shoes – See the situation from the other perspective; try to understand their reasons and emotions. Keep in mind we are all humans and we make mistakes. How we deal with them later is what makes the difference.
  8. Visualize your present reality – see what surrounds you know and how you feel and live in this moment.
  9. Metaphorically throw it away- I found this method in a book written by a Buddhist (“Don’t worry, be grumpy” by Ajahn Brahm) It works like magic. Write down all the negative thoughts on a ball or a piece of paper or glue them to a stick, visualize your past and everything you wrote down and throw it away. You can throw it in a garbage can or flush it down the toilet (don’t flush the stick or a ball of course) You can even organize a little event in your backyard, invite some friends, pour some glasses of wine and let that past go together.
  10. Write a letter- Words are so important, writing is a great therapy for anyone. Write a letter to yourself or to the person that wronged you. Write how you felt, how you feel but also don’t forget to write that you forgive them ( or yourself if that is the case).

I hope I could help you with this post. Im sending you all of my support and positive energy.

Lots of Love, Ellodie.

Random facts about random me

Since I will be getting pretty personal and upfront with you guys, I wanted you to get to know me a bit better. I personally think It is a lot easier to connect with somebody online (and in real life of course) if they share some random things about themselves.

50 facts about me

  1. I learned to read when I was three and a half years old.
  2. My favourite thing to do as I child was to sit in my grandpas lap and draw/paint with him (he is a painter). I still draw and paint up to this day.
  3. My parents were in a difficult financial trouble when I was a child so I painted a lot of pictures and sold them to people on my street so I can give the money to my parents.
  4. I made quite a lot of money actually but my parents never accepted it.
  5. My grandma is a spiritual healer she healed quite a few people in her life but she stopped doing it because people started to spread rumors.
  6. I was surrounded by animals from day one and I am so grateful for that.
  7. I love all animals but I admire horses the most.
  8. I became a vegetarian when I was 10 years old and I love it.
  9. My mom use to blend meat with my food and tried to trick me to eat it, I would always taste it and never eat it. I used to sit infront of the plate for hours untill she finally gave in.
  10. My parents fought all the time about money, from that moment on I promised myself that money will never influence anything in my life. Speacially not the relationships I have with people.
  11. My favourite food are pickles.
  12. My favourite snack are pickles with wasabi sauce and horseradish.
  13. My mom cheated on my dad.
  14. She told me weeks before she told my dad that she will devorce him. I had to keep it a secret.
  15. My favourite music genre now is classical music, when I was younger It was rock and heavy metal.
  16. My grandma is my favorite sibling, she thought me how to walk in our cottage where I would spend every summer and winter.
  17. I was in a abusive relationship.
  18. I thought that I knew what love is but I didn’t not untill I met my currrent boyfriend .
  19. We met online and just three days after we first met I committed suicide, he came to the hospital and he was the first thought in my mind when I woke up (during that time I was still in that abusive relationship).
  20. We have an interesting and complicated story, it is really a movie like love story.
  21. My first pet was a dog named Buki he was a pekingese, I had him till I was 14.
  22. I have a paw-shaped birthmark on my right leg.
  23. I live with my dad and my stepmom.
  24. I lived in a house next to the house of my grandparents and unckle, I moved when I was 15 to an appartment.
  25. My neighbourhood gets pretty scarry at night and I encounterned strangers I never want to met again.
  26. My favourite writer is Haruki Murakami and Pablo Neruda.
  27. I feel strangly connected with Ludwig Van Beethoven.
  28. My mom listened to Fur Elise all the time when she was pregnant with me.
  29. Fur Elise always was and still is my favourite song.
  30. I can see auras and energy fields.
  31. When I was little I remember I was talking to angels, I believe I did see them.
  32. I love conspiracy theores and occultism.
  33. I am scared of the dark and of mirrors.
  34. I always wanted to develop telekinesis abbility, I stopped practicing it daily. I will start again.
  35. Meditation helped to mend my anxiety and panic attacks greatly.
  36. I love water and water sounds. Water relaxes me more than anything else.
  37. I am an only child.
  38. I love deep conversations.
  39. I prefer sunset over sunrise.
  40. I believe sunset and candle light makes everyone so much more beutiful.
  41. I love falling in love. I fall in love on a regular basis in books,poems,art,natureand music.
  42. I believe in Laws of attraction.
  43. I suffer from anxiety, panic attacks,eating disorder, bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder.
  44. I despise and dont belive in pills for mental disorders, everything can be healed with nature,meditation,water,love and conversations.
  45. I don’t take any pills for my disorders and I drank them only for 1 week ( I was diagnosed when I was 14, I am 19 now) and I am better than ever know.
  46. I healed and I am still healing my self with therapy I mentioned under number 43.
  47. I want to be an actor,writer and journalist.
  48. I feel fulfilled when I help people and animals, I believe that is my role on this earth.
  49. I am very emotional.
  50. I feel emotions and moods of other people before I even walk in the room.

My mood is oftenly changed by the emotions that are filling the space around me. I hope you liked this little tag I did.                                                                                                                 Have a lovely morning, day, evening and take care. Lots of love Ellodie.

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Butterfly in you

Greetings my lovelies. Today I managed to catch and trap that positivity cloud of mine. So now I am going to send it to you guys through todays post. Let’s get straight into today’s topic beause I am feeling extra chatty today and if I continue to write every word that flows through my brain, you would be stuck here with me for quite a long time. A few months ago I created an account oh HITRECORD. It’s a really creative and inspiring place to be if you are an artist so go check it out, it is a really nice community. I didn’t post much on their platform because It didn’t really stick with me like word press. Anyway I am really floating away from our topic today. There was a challenge there with word restriction to write a little poem or haiku. So I wrote this:

Butterfly had flew

Three days only

So he knew

To live slowly

The poem appeared in my mind out of nowhere. Actually it appeared just like a butterfly.  Flying gracefully without interrupting me the tiniest bit. It was up to me whether I notice it or not.  After that submission the poem just bonded with me. Became my mantra. Let me clarify it the best I can for you.

Moments not days

It’s a well known fact that butterflies live for only a few days ( two to ten days at the most ).  Within those few days butterfly always endeavors to fly directly under the sun. The butterfly warms his wings with sunrays,  it greets every flower he can find and rest a few seconds on every pestles and enjoys its nectars. Basically the butterflies live their  life to the fullest within those few days.  They don’t rush, they explore earths offerings and they thank the earth by admiring it and acknowledging  her existence.

I came to realize that is exactly how I should live. Before you disagree with me and start to think well we are not butterflies we have to work we have commitments, I agree. I am not saying we can go around jumping and looking at flowers all day.

We can stop looking at our phone screen while we are in the bus or walking to work and instead look at what surrounds us. I saw so many people admiring pictures of nature on their phones and not looking straight in front of them.  We can slow our pace down and not rush the conversations with our coworkers , friends or our siblings, we can see beauty in everyday activities. We can be better versions of ourselves, every day . We can start doing that one thing we always want to but never do because there is plenty of time. Unfortunately time is unpredictable, you can only be sure of this second. The other second is a bold and scary yet exciting question mark.

I had this morning, I have this second to sit down and write today. I am sure of this second but I can never be sure of the day. I can use every second that I have, that I can do and I will do it. Seconds become minutes hours and so on to the years. Every day you get to wake up and start fresh. Every morning the sun greets you with no judgment no memory of the days before, you can be what you want  to be. What you decide to be that day.

A butterfly was a caterpillar once

And there is nothing in a caterpillar that makes you think it is going to be a butterfly. With time it changes every day, little by little. Until one day it wakes up, spreads it wings and fly. You get to have that day.

 I was not the first one to find inspiration in these wonderful creatures so I will leave you today with a few of my favorite quotes about butterflies.

“The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. “ Rabindranath Tagore

“What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly. “ Richard Bach

“Just living is not enough,” said the butterfly, “one must have sunshine, freedom and a little flower.” Hans Christian Andersen

I hope you see a butterfly today  and smile (and remember me of course).

Who ever you are, be free.

Lots of love, Ellodie.

Scruffy paws growing wings

Hello friends

Again thanks to all that read my last post. Now I know that today I promise to deliver the next part of that post ( The butterfly lifestyle) but I never write with a fake emotion. That post is supposed to be very happy and full of positivite energy. I wanna present that method and mantra that helped me to deal with my anxiety and depression and I will post that and write it and it will shine and burst with positivity. I believe positive energy can travel to anywhere and through anything. Just like your aura it has no limits and it stretches from you, from where you stand and to the universe that interminable. Through that post I wish to send all of my positive energy, big clouds are gonna travel to its readers and rain good thoughts, emotions and opportunities on them. Unfortunaly today I lack a major part of that positivity, I tried writing that post cause I always keep my promise I also always write with an honest emotions and thoughts. So I decided that today I will like always be honest with my words cause they are holy to me.

The reason to why I am not my cherry, energetic self is because my hamster Ozzy is dying. He had been in my life for three and a half years and he made my life so much better. I was a wreck yesterday and I didn’t eat anything I slept for two hours last night and I just spent the day and night with him because If he is going to go I want it to be in my arms,on my chest with my voice. I want him to go away knowing I was here like I always were. In todays post I will write how I got him, how he helped me and how much I love him. I will also insert a poem that I wrote for him. I hope you will find some comfort in this post or some positive emotions.

It was a cold december afternoon, It was a Christmas eve. My mental state was at its worse, I had anorexia, my weight was very low, my health was horrible, I was sufforing from depression,anxiety and my panic attacks were a lot worse than they are now. But like always I knew where to go when dark clouds settled upon my head. Pet store, animals can always cheer me up, I love them with all my heart. So I went there and I thought I was just gonna snoop around like I always do. I saw a hamster cage and it was full of tiny little balls of furr. Everyone was pilled up together, warming themselves…well…everyone exepct my Ozzy.

My Ozzy was hanging from the top of its cage like a Tarzan. I saw him and smiled and he slowly came down and started to approach the thick glass that divided us. In that moment I swore I am gonna take him home. I called my dad and begged like a fool. I cried and begged, I knew he was gonna be against it since we have a dog a cat and two birds. But eventually after all the cries he said yes ( the store was full of people by the way and I would never do that cause of my social anxiety but for Ozzy I would stand naked infront of thousands and thousands of people, he helped me when he wasn’t even mine yet.)

I bought him and took him home and when I came home Ozzy Osbourne was playing and he started to wiggle his tiny tail and well thats how he got his name. From that moment on he and I were inseparable. He never bit me never hid from, me he never hibernated, never. I was taking him everywehere around my house. I loved him with all of my heart and I always will.

He was here everynight I cried, he was here when my grandfather got sick, he was here when I first met my boyfriend, he was the first one I told  I am in love, he listen he caught every tear and I am so sorry I splattered my tears on him but I know he doesn’t mind cause we got eachother backs no matter what. He was the only one I said goodbye to two years ago when I took 76 pills ( pills for panic attack and depressants and sleeping pills). I am a suicide attempt survivor, doctors said it was a miracle I am alive and with no consequences.  I experienced something remarkable and I hope I will tell you about It when I gather my strenght. I appreciate life so much more now. 

When I came home after being hospitalized I ran to my Ozzy and he squeaked when he heard my voice. I cried so much and he buried  his head in my neck and we stayed like that for an hour at least. He thought me so much, he showed me that you can eat and not gain weight by putting food in his little hamster wheel and running on it. He showed me you dont have to eat everything right away, you can put it aside for later and not have a tummy ache by putting food in his cheeks and going to bed. He showed me that no matter how tired you are make your self a nice cozy bed and surrounding by gathering hay and taking it to his bed in his mouth with a pair of sleepy little eyes on his head. He showed me that world is big and you need to explore every corner of it you can and you will find something magnificent by running away in my room to a corner and finding my longlost earring. He showed me that words are meaningless when you have a heart full of love. He showed me no matter the size love is always the biggest force on this earth. He showed me how to live and I am sure he will show me how to die with no regrets. I wanted to make this post a bit longer but I am sorry it is very hard to write with tears in your eyes. 

I am sure some will find this post ridiculous and stupid cause its a little hamster, I am sure some will find it over dramatic but I am also sure some will find it in the right time in the time when they need it the most. To those people I wanna say, It doesnt matter if Its an animal or a human or a plant, Its a spirit, It affected your life it interviened with your soul, It created memories. Just as much as you affected them, a loss is a loss only in sight, your heart and mind is what makes a soul alive. A soul was never visible in the first place, It was trapped in a body in a form so that we, blinded by sight humans can recognise it. After the loss that soul is free to go where it belongs. I don’t now what are your beliefs or religion but I know one thing. There is more than meets the eye and the most beautiful things in life are not seen but felt.

I will insert the poem I wrote here :

Your scruffy little paws

They healed my major scars

The night was cold and dark

Fairy lights brought the spark

 

The way you climbed on my shoulder

Made the nights much less colder

And even now that I am stronger

I still need your paw

 

Your scruffy little paw

One day I’ll have to wonder where they are

Maybe on a shooting star

Who knows?

Cause the way you run around

Makes my heart safe and sound

Maybe the clouds will be your ground

Who knows?

 

Im sorry for the tears

I spilled on your little ears

At nights

Sorry for the screams and

My self destructive fights

 

You brought the flowers in my life

The darkness turned to light

Made my frozen heart a spring

 

Once mean birds in my head

They now sing of the land

Where Ozzy is the king

 

Your scruffy little paw

One day I’ll have to wonder where they are

Maybe on a shooting star

Who knows?

Cause the way you run around

Makes my heart safe and sound

Maybe the clouds will be your ground

Who knows?

And if the spring is dead

I hope it will spread

Kill the seasons one by one

 

And if the sun ever said

“How I loved my fellow man”

I will ask him where are you now

 

I need your scruffy paws

I will search all the stars

Or maybe you’re in my healed scars

Who knows?

Cause the way you run around

I hope there you’re safe and sound

Maybe the clouds are now  your ground

Who knows?

 

Cause by the time it ends

I’ll be here changing plans

Turning the years around

Back when you I found

And your sruffy little paws

I hope you find comfort in my words feel free to contact me for anything, If you wanna talk I am here, If you need advice I am here, If you need a friend I am here.


Lots of love

Ellodie

Amazingly long but I hope worthy intro to the main topic “The butterfly lifestyle” ( that will greet you in the second post)

I would like to start this post by saying thank you to everyone that viewed, read and liked my first post and the appearance of blog I hope. I am fully aware the blog is not in its best looking state right now ( newbie problems ) currently it’s in those scruffy awkward teenage years but it will soon blossom  with the help of my boyfriend that will oh so happily come and fix it a bit and I hope with the help of you guys. So that being said let’s take a big breath a bit bigger…just a bit…

No, you know what, here,  I am giving you all a snorkel cause we all are about to dive deep in that whirlpool I previously mentioned in my last post ( don’t worry it’s a very friendly loving whirlpool that drags you in just to show you all the colorful and sometimes not so colorful creatures that live in it)

I always liked expressing myself through art, words. I feel fulfilled when I do something creative and artistic on daily bases. Unfortunately human kind pushes away those needs, subconsciously. We have so much going around us and It can get pretty hard to sit down, tune out all the drama, the problems, the tasks that need to be done and turn on our needs, wishes and just enjoy the company of yourself. When we don’t do that,  when we ignore the important factors that makes us special, unique. When we ignore all the „creative“  things that as we grow up become more and more irrelevant. More and more secondary, every day of pushing those needs aside, prisoning your mind with the daily routines of waking up, going to work, coming home, giving your all to others.

I slowly came to realize that society, schools, collages, all those people „above us“  are teaching us to treat our brain, to treat ourselves like robots.  We follow along that rode, listen to the adults cause they know what’s the best. We drift away from our abilities from our talents because we have a teacher standing in front of a class teaching and telling the same things to a group of young children, to a group of amazing, fascinating minds. All of those minds are different, unique, they all have different gifts that are sitting there with them just waiting to be recognized and most of the time well…they don’t.

We have more and more young people not knowing who they are, not knowing what is their potential and in my opinion that is because of the non individual methods of teaching. And that’s when depression kicks in and the very peak of it all is you ignoring your talents, gifts, your ways of expressing, like those teachers ignored in your class.

When we ignore the way we connect with ourselves we ignore our entire being and imagine it like this, we all had those moments in life when we are so excited over something. We  just want to share a story or an emotion with our friend but that friend is on their phone not paying attention or looking around and not in your eyes acknowledging you that they are listening or even cutting you of with their problems and stories and leaving you sitting there muted. Well that is exactly how your subconscious feels when you ignore it, when you put all the tasks before it. Your subconscious  screaming to you through art, writing, reading, painting,  jogging, dancing, singing all those needs we so easily put at the bottom of our list because they are not primal they are not important enough and we have so much more important things do to. All the work, that sink full of dishes, all the clothes waiting to be washed and after that ironed. All those text messages waiting for a reply and so on but everyday we add something up and it becomes easier and easier to just well forget ourselves. That is my friend depression. Ever wondered why kids are so happy, It is not because they have no problems, remember yourself as a child you had problems.

There was that kid that had way cooler toys than you, there were all those groups of friends that were all conflicting with each other. There were those nasty looking and tasting stewed vegetables and healthy lunches that we all loved so much we would sit staring at it for hours because we couldn’t go out to play until we finish it. The cartoons that were way after bedtime, those were all major problems for us then even though now they seem silly. The reason kids are so happy is because despite those problems they do what they want, they face the problem. They face that bowl of nastiness, they finish it and then they go out and play, they don’t sit after they finished the problem waiting for another one. I was ignoring myself for a long time but now I started to change that. My dishes are now happily hanging out in the sink while I write this and I assure you nothing bad will happen to them.

I will have to split this into two posts because The butterfly lifestyle I want to talk about will be a long one and I don’t want to suffocate you with my rambling the way I do to people in real life ( ahh the beauty of internet). Therefore I hope you stick around and read tomorrows post and I hope you liked this one as well. Please feel free to like and comment, I would love to read your opinions, criticism and suggestions.

Hope you enjoyed my company because I surely enjoyed yours.

Finish that nasty bowl of problems and go out and play, much love.

Ellodie

A rather chatty introduction

Greetings world of WordPress

Since I am a Newbie here I gave a slight tought on how should I make my first impression here. We all know  first impressions are so important and they stay rooted in our mind for quite a long time. But I came up with nothing. Nothing  but storm of ideas, thoughts and words squished together.  And well there you go, that is my whirpool of a brain and that whirpool is constatnly spinning and draging along more thoughts every passing second.  That is one advantage of having an anxiety, you constantly think and calculate everything. Threfore I am comforting my somewhat damaged mental health with an idea of my own that the most creative people have anxiety…so if you are one of them, well congrats to you cause by my theory you are one amongst most creative people.

And since I touched that topic, I wanna give you a slight glance into my notebook of ideas and topics ready for this blog ( whilst I type this that shinning notebook sits looking rather so marvellously empty on my desk ) but no worries my mind is ready but my hand was just to lazy to write it on paper.

One recouring topic will most definantly be mental health, I have been through quite alot and when I needed help the professionals that were there to help did nothing but sit my but on that chair and ask questions such as : „Are you okay?“, „Why do you feel like that?“, „Dont be so harsh on yourself, sweetie.” And they would end that amazing beneficial session with a good old: „Its all gonna be okay.“

My conclusion after all that therapy was that I was just another name in their computer, another butt on their chairs, another zero on their paycheck. 

I am not saying that all of the therapists are like that but mine were. They were doing it for money and money in my opionion splashes mud on everything. But I couldn’t be more grateful to those therapists for when I came to my therapist the last time and while she was talking to her fellow worker about where she will go on her holliday I understood that I am not gonna waste another minute of my life there. I spotted how the sun peaked through her old black windows and I understood that life awaits for me out there, not here. I am in control of what I see, what I feel and what my thoughts are. I can sit here, locked amongst these cold plain walls and constantly spin around my problems or I can accept them go outside feel the warm sun on my skin look at the colorful trees and see how my thoughts change. So I wanna help you, be here for you and tell you that you can help yourself, you are the king in your head, you are the ruler. Therefor If you can be the destroyer and damage yourself you can for sure be the healer and fix every crack, because you know where that crack is hidding.

To end this post I will say : Talk to the sun about your problems and it will warm and mend your wounds, talk to the trees about them and they will whisper the truth.