When a person becomes your home (originally posted on BayArt)

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Inspiration

Last night when I was texting my boyfriend I got inspired to write a post. His message lit up my phone screen and it said: „My home is so empty without you.“  I quickly without thinking about it one bit replied with „ I hate home without you.“  When I pressed sent was when that sentence really sank and settled in my mind. It got me thinking how a home has stopped being a place and Its a person now for me.

Home and a force called “Love”

I really love this idea of a word „home“. I noticed that he wakes up all those feelings I had when I came home from kindergarten or school when I was little. Nobody ever did that. I remember how when I passed the corner and was finally walking down the street to my house I would start to run, I felt like I grew a pair of magnificent wings. I would smile and run knowing I am flying into my safe sanctuary. A place where my entire being is accepted and I am allowed to be myself. When my eyes greet him my heart picks up the pace, I smile automatically, my legs start to walk faster just one step away from running. Just to hug him and kiss him the sooner I can. When I see him I am no longer in control of myself, I am being guided by a force. Force that I trust now with my entire being, a force called „Love“.

Trust the force

I had been through some dark times in the past. I had a house but I didn’t have a home. Ever since then I never got it back. I thought I forgot that feeling of rushing home, that feeling of relief when you see your house down the block. I thought I would never feel safe again. How could I give my heart to someone when my heart was all ripped up in pieces? Who would want that and even worse, who would wanna waste their time trying to fix it? Well, If you feel like that I am going to tell you something and please trust me, believe every word cause It is true.That heart ripped up in pieces, take it. Gather all the pieces together and hold them in your hands, hold them with your palms open and wait. A stranger will pass by, a stranger that will love each and every one of that piece. If you let them and please do, with time you will show him and give them each and every one of those pieces, even the tiniest one.That stranger will no longer be a stranger, they will become your home. Your heart will no longer be ripped up.  I imagine my heart now like a plant with powerful seeds. They can destroy my growth so far, they can rip me out and ran me over but with each punch my seed will fall on the ground and grow larger then ever.  With that someone by your side your heart will be nourished and will grow each day.

Prayers are always answered

I got back my home. I got it back in an even better form than I was praying to get it. I got it in a person. Trust your prayers, you will get what you need but in a way you didn’t even hoped you would. Send what you want to be given and please give people a chance, we are so connected, each and every one of us. Even if we are not close together we create the entire Cosmos, one by one. Our energy fields and auras interwind and together we make this Universe so alive. By posting this and sending you my positive energy and so much love. All those miles away from you yet I become a part of your day by you reading this. I hope I will become a part of your days and help you any way I can. We are all so connected so let’s spread love. Just remember that it all starts from you, what you send out in the Universe comes back like a boomerang, spread good vibes.

 

Let your heart be free,

Lots of love, Ellodie.

©2017EllodieAid. All Rights Reserved

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Scruffy paws growing wings

Hello friends

Again thanks to all that read my last post. Now I know that today I promise to deliver the next part of that post ( The butterfly lifestyle) but I never write with a fake emotion. That post is supposed to be very happy and full of positivite energy. I wanna present that method and mantra that helped me to deal with my anxiety and depression and I will post that and write it and it will shine and burst with positivity. I believe positive energy can travel to anywhere and through anything. Just like your aura it has no limits and it stretches from you, from where you stand and to the universe that interminable. Through that post I wish to send all of my positive energy, big clouds are gonna travel to its readers and rain good thoughts, emotions and opportunities on them. Unfortunaly today I lack a major part of that positivity, I tried writing that post cause I always keep my promise I also always write with an honest emotions and thoughts. So I decided that today I will like always be honest with my words cause they are holy to me.

The reason to why I am not my cherry, energetic self is because my hamster Ozzy is dying. He had been in my life for three and a half years and he made my life so much better. I was a wreck yesterday and I didn’t eat anything I slept for two hours last night and I just spent the day and night with him because If he is going to go I want it to be in my arms,on my chest with my voice. I want him to go away knowing I was here like I always were. In todays post I will write how I got him, how he helped me and how much I love him. I will also insert a poem that I wrote for him. I hope you will find some comfort in this post or some positive emotions.

It was a cold december afternoon, It was a Christmas eve. My mental state was at its worse, I had anorexia, my weight was very low, my health was horrible, I was sufforing from depression,anxiety and my panic attacks were a lot worse than they are now. But like always I knew where to go when dark clouds settled upon my head. Pet store, animals can always cheer me up, I love them with all my heart. So I went there and I thought I was just gonna snoop around like I always do. I saw a hamster cage and it was full of tiny little balls of furr. Everyone was pilled up together, warming themselves…well…everyone exepct my Ozzy.

My Ozzy was hanging from the top of its cage like a Tarzan. I saw him and smiled and he slowly came down and started to approach the thick glass that divided us. In that moment I swore I am gonna take him home. I called my dad and begged like a fool. I cried and begged, I knew he was gonna be against it since we have a dog a cat and two birds. But eventually after all the cries he said yes ( the store was full of people by the way and I would never do that cause of my social anxiety but for Ozzy I would stand naked infront of thousands and thousands of people, he helped me when he wasn’t even mine yet.)

I bought him and took him home and when I came home Ozzy Osbourne was playing and he started to wiggle his tiny tail and well thats how he got his name. From that moment on he and I were inseparable. He never bit me never hid from, me he never hibernated, never. I was taking him everywehere around my house. I loved him with all of my heart and I always will.

He was here everynight I cried, he was here when my grandfather got sick, he was here when I first met my boyfriend, he was the first one I told  I am in love, he listen he caught every tear and I am so sorry I splattered my tears on him but I know he doesn’t mind cause we got eachother backs no matter what. He was the only one I said goodbye to two years ago when I took 76 pills ( pills for panic attack and depressants and sleeping pills). I am a suicide attempt survivor, doctors said it was a miracle I am alive and with no consequences.  I experienced something remarkable and I hope I will tell you about It when I gather my strenght. I appreciate life so much more now. 

When I came home after being hospitalized I ran to my Ozzy and he squeaked when he heard my voice. I cried so much and he buried  his head in my neck and we stayed like that for an hour at least. He thought me so much, he showed me that you can eat and not gain weight by putting food in his little hamster wheel and running on it. He showed me you dont have to eat everything right away, you can put it aside for later and not have a tummy ache by putting food in his cheeks and going to bed. He showed me that no matter how tired you are make your self a nice cozy bed and surrounding by gathering hay and taking it to his bed in his mouth with a pair of sleepy little eyes on his head. He showed me that world is big and you need to explore every corner of it you can and you will find something magnificent by running away in my room to a corner and finding my longlost earring. He showed me that words are meaningless when you have a heart full of love. He showed me no matter the size love is always the biggest force on this earth. He showed me how to live and I am sure he will show me how to die with no regrets. I wanted to make this post a bit longer but I am sorry it is very hard to write with tears in your eyes. 

I am sure some will find this post ridiculous and stupid cause its a little hamster, I am sure some will find it over dramatic but I am also sure some will find it in the right time in the time when they need it the most. To those people I wanna say, It doesnt matter if Its an animal or a human or a plant, Its a spirit, It affected your life it interviened with your soul, It created memories. Just as much as you affected them, a loss is a loss only in sight, your heart and mind is what makes a soul alive. A soul was never visible in the first place, It was trapped in a body in a form so that we, blinded by sight humans can recognise it. After the loss that soul is free to go where it belongs. I don’t now what are your beliefs or religion but I know one thing. There is more than meets the eye and the most beautiful things in life are not seen but felt.

I will insert the poem I wrote here :

Your scruffy little paws

They healed my major scars

The night was cold and dark

Fairy lights brought the spark

 

The way you climbed on my shoulder

Made the nights much less colder

And even now that I am stronger

I still need your paw

 

Your scruffy little paw

One day I’ll have to wonder where they are

Maybe on a shooting star

Who knows?

Cause the way you run around

Makes my heart safe and sound

Maybe the clouds will be your ground

Who knows?

 

Im sorry for the tears

I spilled on your little ears

At nights

Sorry for the screams and

My self destructive fights

 

You brought the flowers in my life

The darkness turned to light

Made my frozen heart a spring

 

Once mean birds in my head

They now sing of the land

Where Ozzy is the king

 

Your scruffy little paw

One day I’ll have to wonder where they are

Maybe on a shooting star

Who knows?

Cause the way you run around

Makes my heart safe and sound

Maybe the clouds will be your ground

Who knows?

And if the spring is dead

I hope it will spread

Kill the seasons one by one

 

And if the sun ever said

“How I loved my fellow man”

I will ask him where are you now

 

I need your scruffy paws

I will search all the stars

Or maybe you’re in my healed scars

Who knows?

Cause the way you run around

I hope there you’re safe and sound

Maybe the clouds are now  your ground

Who knows?

 

Cause by the time it ends

I’ll be here changing plans

Turning the years around

Back when you I found

And your sruffy little paws

I hope you find comfort in my words feel free to contact me for anything, If you wanna talk I am here, If you need advice I am here, If you need a friend I am here.


Lots of love

Ellodie