What I feel when I draw?

Started with a brush and a pen…ended with a lot of them

Ever since I could hold a pen in my hand my other hand was holding a paintbrush aswell.  I think that ever since my eyes saw the blank paper and my hand created a life in the nothingness of it, I fell in love. The person who handed me this gift (metaphorically and not) was my grandfather.  I believe he was pointing pens and brushes in my direction before I could even sit on my own.  I thank him for that, because of that a strong bond grew larger with each sit on the lap and line on the paper.

I even have a picture he framed that I painted when I was two years old. He made the frame and he painted two fishes in the back of the picture (my zodiac sign is a Pisces). I will insert a picture of it in this post. He handed me that picture I painted when I was in my early teenage years I believe. Frankly I don’t remember when it was but I remember something far more important. I remember his words. Now just to point this out so that you can understand why this is a big thing for me. He was never a man of many words, he wasn’t very affectionate and he never complimented any of my works or anything in general. He was always pointing my flaws and  sometimes telling me how to correct them but mostly letting me figure it out on my own, even If that meant an ongoing wave of mistakes. He just knew I would get it right eventually and that by myself I will learn in the most effective way.  So I did.

photo_2017-04-06_16-02-48 ( The picture, I drew this when I was two years old.)

 

When he handed me that picture he said: “From that moment on I knew you are going to be an excellent painter but also a messy one.” With the messy part I couldn’t agree more.  I like to think that blood flowing through my veins is just a red paint. I imagine it flowing like it flows on the chosen canvas. I splat water on it then just put a tiny dot of paint in the splat of water and it just flows, effortlessly. I like to believe I was born to decorate this canvas, this paper, this word. Sign my name on it with pencils, brushes and words. I feel alive when I make my thoughts alive.

So what do I feel when I draw?

I feel waves of the ocean flowing in my entire body through my fingers onto the blank paper. I feel the summers breeze tickling my heart with each breath I take. I hear the sound of nature buzzing softly in my ears with each line on the canvas. The smell of juicy nectars in autumn fill my nostrils with every warm color my eye meets.  I become one with what I create. I become my creation. The creation becomes my world…the world of mine is my creation.  I never sign my paintings because I see my reflection in them. There is no need, they are my mirror.

And who do I see holding that mirror?

My grandfather. That is my signature.

What you imagine can be

Lots of love, Ellodie

 

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When a person becomes your home (originally posted on BayArt)

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Inspiration

Last night when I was texting my boyfriend I got inspired to write a post. His message lit up my phone screen and it said: „My home is so empty without you.“  I quickly without thinking about it one bit replied with „ I hate home without you.“  When I pressed sent was when that sentence really sank and settled in my mind. It got me thinking how a home has stopped being a place and Its a person now for me.

Home and a force called “Love”

I really love this idea of a word „home“. I noticed that he wakes up all those feelings I had when I came home from kindergarten or school when I was little. Nobody ever did that. I remember how when I passed the corner and was finally walking down the street to my house I would start to run, I felt like I grew a pair of magnificent wings. I would smile and run knowing I am flying into my safe sanctuary. A place where my entire being is accepted and I am allowed to be myself. When my eyes greet him my heart picks up the pace, I smile automatically, my legs start to walk faster just one step away from running. Just to hug him and kiss him the sooner I can. When I see him I am no longer in control of myself, I am being guided by a force. Force that I trust now with my entire being, a force called „Love“.

Trust the force

I had been through some dark times in the past. I had a house but I didn’t have a home. Ever since then I never got it back. I thought I forgot that feeling of rushing home, that feeling of relief when you see your house down the block. I thought I would never feel safe again. How could I give my heart to someone when my heart was all ripped up in pieces? Who would want that and even worse, who would wanna waste their time trying to fix it? Well, If you feel like that I am going to tell you something and please trust me, believe every word cause It is true.That heart ripped up in pieces, take it. Gather all the pieces together and hold them in your hands, hold them with your palms open and wait. A stranger will pass by, a stranger that will love each and every one of that piece. If you let them and please do, with time you will show him and give them each and every one of those pieces, even the tiniest one.That stranger will no longer be a stranger, they will become your home. Your heart will no longer be ripped up.  I imagine my heart now like a plant with powerful seeds. They can destroy my growth so far, they can rip me out and ran me over but with each punch my seed will fall on the ground and grow larger then ever.  With that someone by your side your heart will be nourished and will grow each day.

Prayers are always answered

I got back my home. I got it back in an even better form than I was praying to get it. I got it in a person. Trust your prayers, you will get what you need but in a way you didn’t even hoped you would. Send what you want to be given and please give people a chance, we are so connected, each and every one of us. Even if we are not close together we create the entire Cosmos, one by one. Our energy fields and auras interwind and together we make this Universe so alive. By posting this and sending you my positive energy and so much love. All those miles away from you yet I become a part of your day by you reading this. I hope I will become a part of your days and help you any way I can. We are all so connected so let’s spread love. Just remember that it all starts from you, what you send out in the Universe comes back like a boomerang, spread good vibes.

 

Let your heart be free,

Lots of love, Ellodie.

©2017EllodieAid. All Rights Reserved

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Steps to letting go ( originally written and posted on BayArt)

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Letting go

Without letting go of the past you will never be able to live in the present. I want to emphasize the importance of letting go of any grudges any regrets, losses, missed chances or broken hearts.

Forgiveness my experience

I never truly forgave my mother. I was and I still am in touch with her, we see each other. Much more than we used to. In the beginning months would past and she wouldn’t call. I now have a better relationship with her than ever. I believe that is because I finally peeled of the mask I glued onto myself as a result of protecting myself. My soul was still clinching on my dads once broken heart and on the past. I had poison of blame flowing through my veins. Poisoning my heart daily for 7 years and I never really admitted it to myself.  Admitting is a first step in every aspect of our lives. Being honest with yourself is the healthiest decision and the greatest favor you do in your lifetime. I am going to share some steps that I followed in my letting go process because that is a hard but rewarding process trust me.

Admitting it

I know it’s hard to admit firstly let alone allow yourself to release the thorns in your heart. Past can be a beautiful rose that we water and admire everyday even after it’s rotten. Past can be a bunch of thorns that we hold onto tightly because we think it is the only thing that can fill our scars. Specially than its hard to let it go because it is not a pleasant feeling to bleed but bleeding stops. We just need to let the wounds breathe.

Steps

  1. Cry it out – holding it in is just gathering all of the negative emotions in your body and mind. It will influence your health, both mental and physical. Negative emotions gather up and later lead to stress and depression.
  2. Collect your thoughts, see what experience thought you and what you gained from it – every bad experience in our life is a great lesson, we become a better and stronger person because of them.
  3. Meditate – Meditation is a big helper in every aspect of our life because we learn how to connect with ourselves in the deepest way possible. We unravel the truth; we learn how our mind really functions and how to treat it.
  4. Acknowledging your progress – It is always important to acknowledge your success, It keeps you motivated and it makes you push even harder.
  5. The only three options – you only truly have three options: moving yourself out of the situation, changing it or accepting it. If it is bothering you and affecting your life still than the first and the last option are obviously not working.
  6. Just talk – Talking is the key to moving on, share your thoughts and emotions with others, find people that been through the same or similar situations.
  7. Put on the other pair of shoes – See the situation from the other perspective; try to understand their reasons and emotions. Keep in mind we are all humans and we make mistakes. How we deal with them later is what makes the difference.
  8. Visualize your present reality – see what surrounds you know and how you feel and live in this moment.
  9. Metaphorically throw it away- I found this method in a book written by a Buddhist (“Don’t worry, be grumpy” by Ajahn Brahm) It works like magic. Write down all the negative thoughts on a ball or a piece of paper or glue them to a stick, visualize your past and everything you wrote down and throw it away. You can throw it in a garbage can or flush it down the toilet (don’t flush the stick or a ball of course) You can even organize a little event in your backyard, invite some friends, pour some glasses of wine and let that past go together.
  10. Write a letter- Words are so important, writing is a great therapy for anyone. Write a letter to yourself or to the person that wronged you. Write how you felt, how you feel but also don’t forget to write that you forgive them ( or yourself if that is the case).

I hope I could help you with this post. Im sending you all of my support and positive energy.

Lots of Love, Ellodie.

Random facts about random me

Since I will be getting pretty personal and upfront with you guys, I wanted you to get to know me a bit better. I personally think It is a lot easier to connect with somebody online (and in real life of course) if they share some random things about themselves.

50 facts about me

  1. I learned to read when I was three and a half years old.
  2. My favourite thing to do as I child was to sit in my grandpas lap and draw/paint with him (he is a painter). I still draw and paint up to this day.
  3. My parents were in a difficult financial trouble when I was a child so I painted a lot of pictures and sold them to people on my street so I can give the money to my parents.
  4. I made quite a lot of money actually but my parents never accepted it.
  5. My grandma is a spiritual healer she healed quite a few people in her life but she stopped doing it because people started to spread rumors.
  6. I was surrounded by animals from day one and I am so grateful for that.
  7. I love all animals but I admire horses the most.
  8. I became a vegetarian when I was 10 years old and I love it.
  9. My mom use to blend meat with my food and tried to trick me to eat it, I would always taste it and never eat it. I used to sit infront of the plate for hours untill she finally gave in.
  10. My parents fought all the time about money, from that moment on I promised myself that money will never influence anything in my life. Speacially not the relationships I have with people.
  11. My favourite food are pickles.
  12. My favourite snack are pickles with wasabi sauce and horseradish.
  13. My mom cheated on my dad.
  14. She told me weeks before she told my dad that she will devorce him. I had to keep it a secret.
  15. My favourite music genre now is classical music, when I was younger It was rock and heavy metal.
  16. My grandma is my favorite sibling, she thought me how to walk in our cottage where I would spend every summer and winter.
  17. I was in a abusive relationship.
  18. I thought that I knew what love is but I didn’t not untill I met my currrent boyfriend .
  19. We met online and just three days after we first met I committed suicide, he came to the hospital and he was the first thought in my mind when I woke up (during that time I was still in that abusive relationship).
  20. We have an interesting and complicated story, it is really a movie like love story.
  21. My first pet was a dog named Buki he was a pekingese, I had him till I was 14.
  22. I have a paw-shaped birthmark on my right leg.
  23. I live with my dad and my stepmom.
  24. I lived in a house next to the house of my grandparents and unckle, I moved when I was 15 to an appartment.
  25. My neighbourhood gets pretty scarry at night and I encounterned strangers I never want to met again.
  26. My favourite writer is Haruki Murakami and Pablo Neruda.
  27. I feel strangly connected with Ludwig Van Beethoven.
  28. My mom listened to Fur Elise all the time when she was pregnant with me.
  29. Fur Elise always was and still is my favourite song.
  30. I can see auras and energy fields.
  31. When I was little I remember I was talking to angels, I believe I did see them.
  32. I love conspiracy theores and occultism.
  33. I am scared of the dark and of mirrors.
  34. I always wanted to develop telekinesis abbility, I stopped practicing it daily. I will start again.
  35. Meditation helped to mend my anxiety and panic attacks greatly.
  36. I love water and water sounds. Water relaxes me more than anything else.
  37. I am an only child.
  38. I love deep conversations.
  39. I prefer sunset over sunrise.
  40. I believe sunset and candle light makes everyone so much more beutiful.
  41. I love falling in love. I fall in love on a regular basis in books,poems,art,natureand music.
  42. I believe in Laws of attraction.
  43. I suffer from anxiety, panic attacks,eating disorder, bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder.
  44. I despise and dont belive in pills for mental disorders, everything can be healed with nature,meditation,water,love and conversations.
  45. I don’t take any pills for my disorders and I drank them only for 1 week ( I was diagnosed when I was 14, I am 19 now) and I am better than ever know.
  46. I healed and I am still healing my self with therapy I mentioned under number 43.
  47. I want to be an actor,writer and journalist.
  48. I feel fulfilled when I help people and animals, I believe that is my role on this earth.
  49. I am very emotional.
  50. I feel emotions and moods of other people before I even walk in the room.

My mood is oftenly changed by the emotions that are filling the space around me. I hope you liked this little tag I did.                                                                                                                 Have a lovely morning, day, evening and take care. Lots of love Ellodie.

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