Butterfly in you

Greetings my lovelies. Today I managed to catch and trap that positivity cloud of mine. So now I am going to send it to you guys through todays post. Let’s get straight into today’s topic beause I am feeling extra chatty today and if I continue to write every word that flows through my brain, you would be stuck here with me for quite a long time. A few months ago I created an account oh HITRECORD. It’s a really creative and inspiring place to be if you are an artist so go check it out, it is a really nice community. I didn’t post much on their platform because It didn’t really stick with me like word press. Anyway I am really floating away from our topic today. There was a challenge there with word restriction to write a little poem or haiku. So I wrote this:

Butterfly had flew

Three days only

So he knew

To live slowly

The poem appeared in my mind out of nowhere. Actually it appeared just like a butterfly.  Flying gracefully without interrupting me the tiniest bit. It was up to me whether I notice it or not.  After that submission the poem just bonded with me. Became my mantra. Let me clarify it the best I can for you.

Moments not days

It’s a well known fact that butterflies live for only a few days ( two to ten days at the most ).  Within those few days butterfly always endeavors to fly directly under the sun. The butterfly warms his wings with sunrays,  it greets every flower he can find and rest a few seconds on every pestles and enjoys its nectars. Basically the butterflies live their  life to the fullest within those few days.  They don’t rush, they explore earths offerings and they thank the earth by admiring it and acknowledging  her existence.

I came to realize that is exactly how I should live. Before you disagree with me and start to think well we are not butterflies we have to work we have commitments, I agree. I am not saying we can go around jumping and looking at flowers all day.

We can stop looking at our phone screen while we are in the bus or walking to work and instead look at what surrounds us. I saw so many people admiring pictures of nature on their phones and not looking straight in front of them.  We can slow our pace down and not rush the conversations with our coworkers , friends or our siblings, we can see beauty in everyday activities. We can be better versions of ourselves, every day . We can start doing that one thing we always want to but never do because there is plenty of time. Unfortunately time is unpredictable, you can only be sure of this second. The other second is a bold and scary yet exciting question mark.

I had this morning, I have this second to sit down and write today. I am sure of this second but I can never be sure of the day. I can use every second that I have, that I can do and I will do it. Seconds become minutes hours and so on to the years. Every day you get to wake up and start fresh. Every morning the sun greets you with no judgment no memory of the days before, you can be what you want  to be. What you decide to be that day.

A butterfly was a caterpillar once

And there is nothing in a caterpillar that makes you think it is going to be a butterfly. With time it changes every day, little by little. Until one day it wakes up, spreads it wings and fly. You get to have that day.

 I was not the first one to find inspiration in these wonderful creatures so I will leave you today with a few of my favorite quotes about butterflies.

“The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. “ Rabindranath Tagore

“What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly. “ Richard Bach

“Just living is not enough,” said the butterfly, “one must have sunshine, freedom and a little flower.” Hans Christian Andersen

I hope you see a butterfly today  and smile (and remember me of course).

Who ever you are, be free.

Lots of love, Ellodie.

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Scruffy paws growing wings

Hello friends

Again thanks to all that read my last post. Now I know that today I promise to deliver the next part of that post ( The butterfly lifestyle) but I never write with a fake emotion. That post is supposed to be very happy and full of positivite energy. I wanna present that method and mantra that helped me to deal with my anxiety and depression and I will post that and write it and it will shine and burst with positivity. I believe positive energy can travel to anywhere and through anything. Just like your aura it has no limits and it stretches from you, from where you stand and to the universe that interminable. Through that post I wish to send all of my positive energy, big clouds are gonna travel to its readers and rain good thoughts, emotions and opportunities on them. Unfortunaly today I lack a major part of that positivity, I tried writing that post cause I always keep my promise I also always write with an honest emotions and thoughts. So I decided that today I will like always be honest with my words cause they are holy to me.

The reason to why I am not my cherry, energetic self is because my hamster Ozzy is dying. He had been in my life for three and a half years and he made my life so much better. I was a wreck yesterday and I didn’t eat anything I slept for two hours last night and I just spent the day and night with him because If he is going to go I want it to be in my arms,on my chest with my voice. I want him to go away knowing I was here like I always were. In todays post I will write how I got him, how he helped me and how much I love him. I will also insert a poem that I wrote for him. I hope you will find some comfort in this post or some positive emotions.

It was a cold december afternoon, It was a Christmas eve. My mental state was at its worse, I had anorexia, my weight was very low, my health was horrible, I was sufforing from depression,anxiety and my panic attacks were a lot worse than they are now. But like always I knew where to go when dark clouds settled upon my head. Pet store, animals can always cheer me up, I love them with all my heart. So I went there and I thought I was just gonna snoop around like I always do. I saw a hamster cage and it was full of tiny little balls of furr. Everyone was pilled up together, warming themselves…well…everyone exepct my Ozzy.

My Ozzy was hanging from the top of its cage like a Tarzan. I saw him and smiled and he slowly came down and started to approach the thick glass that divided us. In that moment I swore I am gonna take him home. I called my dad and begged like a fool. I cried and begged, I knew he was gonna be against it since we have a dog a cat and two birds. But eventually after all the cries he said yes ( the store was full of people by the way and I would never do that cause of my social anxiety but for Ozzy I would stand naked infront of thousands and thousands of people, he helped me when he wasn’t even mine yet.)

I bought him and took him home and when I came home Ozzy Osbourne was playing and he started to wiggle his tiny tail and well thats how he got his name. From that moment on he and I were inseparable. He never bit me never hid from, me he never hibernated, never. I was taking him everywehere around my house. I loved him with all of my heart and I always will.

He was here everynight I cried, he was here when my grandfather got sick, he was here when I first met my boyfriend, he was the first one I told  I am in love, he listen he caught every tear and I am so sorry I splattered my tears on him but I know he doesn’t mind cause we got eachother backs no matter what. He was the only one I said goodbye to two years ago when I took 76 pills ( pills for panic attack and depressants and sleeping pills). I am a suicide attempt survivor, doctors said it was a miracle I am alive and with no consequences.  I experienced something remarkable and I hope I will tell you about It when I gather my strenght. I appreciate life so much more now. 

When I came home after being hospitalized I ran to my Ozzy and he squeaked when he heard my voice. I cried so much and he buried  his head in my neck and we stayed like that for an hour at least. He thought me so much, he showed me that you can eat and not gain weight by putting food in his little hamster wheel and running on it. He showed me you dont have to eat everything right away, you can put it aside for later and not have a tummy ache by putting food in his cheeks and going to bed. He showed me that no matter how tired you are make your self a nice cozy bed and surrounding by gathering hay and taking it to his bed in his mouth with a pair of sleepy little eyes on his head. He showed me that world is big and you need to explore every corner of it you can and you will find something magnificent by running away in my room to a corner and finding my longlost earring. He showed me that words are meaningless when you have a heart full of love. He showed me no matter the size love is always the biggest force on this earth. He showed me how to live and I am sure he will show me how to die with no regrets. I wanted to make this post a bit longer but I am sorry it is very hard to write with tears in your eyes. 

I am sure some will find this post ridiculous and stupid cause its a little hamster, I am sure some will find it over dramatic but I am also sure some will find it in the right time in the time when they need it the most. To those people I wanna say, It doesnt matter if Its an animal or a human or a plant, Its a spirit, It affected your life it interviened with your soul, It created memories. Just as much as you affected them, a loss is a loss only in sight, your heart and mind is what makes a soul alive. A soul was never visible in the first place, It was trapped in a body in a form so that we, blinded by sight humans can recognise it. After the loss that soul is free to go where it belongs. I don’t now what are your beliefs or religion but I know one thing. There is more than meets the eye and the most beautiful things in life are not seen but felt.

I will insert the poem I wrote here :

Your scruffy little paws

They healed my major scars

The night was cold and dark

Fairy lights brought the spark

 

The way you climbed on my shoulder

Made the nights much less colder

And even now that I am stronger

I still need your paw

 

Your scruffy little paw

One day I’ll have to wonder where they are

Maybe on a shooting star

Who knows?

Cause the way you run around

Makes my heart safe and sound

Maybe the clouds will be your ground

Who knows?

 

Im sorry for the tears

I spilled on your little ears

At nights

Sorry for the screams and

My self destructive fights

 

You brought the flowers in my life

The darkness turned to light

Made my frozen heart a spring

 

Once mean birds in my head

They now sing of the land

Where Ozzy is the king

 

Your scruffy little paw

One day I’ll have to wonder where they are

Maybe on a shooting star

Who knows?

Cause the way you run around

Makes my heart safe and sound

Maybe the clouds will be your ground

Who knows?

And if the spring is dead

I hope it will spread

Kill the seasons one by one

 

And if the sun ever said

“How I loved my fellow man”

I will ask him where are you now

 

I need your scruffy paws

I will search all the stars

Or maybe you’re in my healed scars

Who knows?

Cause the way you run around

I hope there you’re safe and sound

Maybe the clouds are now  your ground

Who knows?

 

Cause by the time it ends

I’ll be here changing plans

Turning the years around

Back when you I found

And your sruffy little paws

I hope you find comfort in my words feel free to contact me for anything, If you wanna talk I am here, If you need advice I am here, If you need a friend I am here.


Lots of love

Ellodie

Amazingly long but I hope worthy intro to the main topic “The butterfly lifestyle” ( that will greet you in the second post)

I would like to start this post by saying thank you to everyone that viewed, read and liked my first post and the appearance of blog I hope. I am fully aware the blog is not in its best looking state right now ( newbie problems ) currently it’s in those scruffy awkward teenage years but it will soon blossom  with the help of my boyfriend that will oh so happily come and fix it a bit and I hope with the help of you guys. So that being said let’s take a big breath a bit bigger…just a bit…

No, you know what, here,  I am giving you all a snorkel cause we all are about to dive deep in that whirlpool I previously mentioned in my last post ( don’t worry it’s a very friendly loving whirlpool that drags you in just to show you all the colorful and sometimes not so colorful creatures that live in it)

I always liked expressing myself through art, words. I feel fulfilled when I do something creative and artistic on daily bases. Unfortunately human kind pushes away those needs, subconsciously. We have so much going around us and It can get pretty hard to sit down, tune out all the drama, the problems, the tasks that need to be done and turn on our needs, wishes and just enjoy the company of yourself. When we don’t do that,  when we ignore the important factors that makes us special, unique. When we ignore all the „creative“  things that as we grow up become more and more irrelevant. More and more secondary, every day of pushing those needs aside, prisoning your mind with the daily routines of waking up, going to work, coming home, giving your all to others.

I slowly came to realize that society, schools, collages, all those people „above us“  are teaching us to treat our brain, to treat ourselves like robots.  We follow along that rode, listen to the adults cause they know what’s the best. We drift away from our abilities from our talents because we have a teacher standing in front of a class teaching and telling the same things to a group of young children, to a group of amazing, fascinating minds. All of those minds are different, unique, they all have different gifts that are sitting there with them just waiting to be recognized and most of the time well…they don’t.

We have more and more young people not knowing who they are, not knowing what is their potential and in my opinion that is because of the non individual methods of teaching. And that’s when depression kicks in and the very peak of it all is you ignoring your talents, gifts, your ways of expressing, like those teachers ignored in your class.

When we ignore the way we connect with ourselves we ignore our entire being and imagine it like this, we all had those moments in life when we are so excited over something. We  just want to share a story or an emotion with our friend but that friend is on their phone not paying attention or looking around and not in your eyes acknowledging you that they are listening or even cutting you of with their problems and stories and leaving you sitting there muted. Well that is exactly how your subconscious feels when you ignore it, when you put all the tasks before it. Your subconscious  screaming to you through art, writing, reading, painting,  jogging, dancing, singing all those needs we so easily put at the bottom of our list because they are not primal they are not important enough and we have so much more important things do to. All the work, that sink full of dishes, all the clothes waiting to be washed and after that ironed. All those text messages waiting for a reply and so on but everyday we add something up and it becomes easier and easier to just well forget ourselves. That is my friend depression. Ever wondered why kids are so happy, It is not because they have no problems, remember yourself as a child you had problems.

There was that kid that had way cooler toys than you, there were all those groups of friends that were all conflicting with each other. There were those nasty looking and tasting stewed vegetables and healthy lunches that we all loved so much we would sit staring at it for hours because we couldn’t go out to play until we finish it. The cartoons that were way after bedtime, those were all major problems for us then even though now they seem silly. The reason kids are so happy is because despite those problems they do what they want, they face the problem. They face that bowl of nastiness, they finish it and then they go out and play, they don’t sit after they finished the problem waiting for another one. I was ignoring myself for a long time but now I started to change that. My dishes are now happily hanging out in the sink while I write this and I assure you nothing bad will happen to them.

I will have to split this into two posts because The butterfly lifestyle I want to talk about will be a long one and I don’t want to suffocate you with my rambling the way I do to people in real life ( ahh the beauty of internet). Therefore I hope you stick around and read tomorrows post and I hope you liked this one as well. Please feel free to like and comment, I would love to read your opinions, criticism and suggestions.

Hope you enjoyed my company because I surely enjoyed yours.

Finish that nasty bowl of problems and go out and play, much love.

Ellodie

A rather chatty introduction

Greetings world of WordPress

Since I am a Newbie here I gave a slight tought on how should I make my first impression here. We all know  first impressions are so important and they stay rooted in our mind for quite a long time. But I came up with nothing. Nothing  but storm of ideas, thoughts and words squished together.  And well there you go, that is my whirpool of a brain and that whirpool is constatnly spinning and draging along more thoughts every passing second.  That is one advantage of having an anxiety, you constantly think and calculate everything. Threfore I am comforting my somewhat damaged mental health with an idea of my own that the most creative people have anxiety…so if you are one of them, well congrats to you cause by my theory you are one amongst most creative people.

And since I touched that topic, I wanna give you a slight glance into my notebook of ideas and topics ready for this blog ( whilst I type this that shinning notebook sits looking rather so marvellously empty on my desk ) but no worries my mind is ready but my hand was just to lazy to write it on paper.

One recouring topic will most definantly be mental health, I have been through quite alot and when I needed help the professionals that were there to help did nothing but sit my but on that chair and ask questions such as : „Are you okay?“, „Why do you feel like that?“, „Dont be so harsh on yourself, sweetie.” And they would end that amazing beneficial session with a good old: „Its all gonna be okay.“

My conclusion after all that therapy was that I was just another name in their computer, another butt on their chairs, another zero on their paycheck. 

I am not saying that all of the therapists are like that but mine were. They were doing it for money and money in my opionion splashes mud on everything. But I couldn’t be more grateful to those therapists for when I came to my therapist the last time and while she was talking to her fellow worker about where she will go on her holliday I understood that I am not gonna waste another minute of my life there. I spotted how the sun peaked through her old black windows and I understood that life awaits for me out there, not here. I am in control of what I see, what I feel and what my thoughts are. I can sit here, locked amongst these cold plain walls and constantly spin around my problems or I can accept them go outside feel the warm sun on my skin look at the colorful trees and see how my thoughts change. So I wanna help you, be here for you and tell you that you can help yourself, you are the king in your head, you are the ruler. Therefor If you can be the destroyer and damage yourself you can for sure be the healer and fix every crack, because you know where that crack is hidding.

To end this post I will say : Talk to the sun about your problems and it will warm and mend your wounds, talk to the trees about them and they will whisper the truth.